Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Dead Poet's Creed
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."--Henry David Thoreau
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Taking Time To Write
I think I'm going to take some time, some much needed time, and write. Whether it is journaling, blogging, brushing the dust off the chapters I recently discovered, or blowing the cobwebs off of the ideas lurking within the corners of my conscience, I am simply going to write.
It is not merely the wanting to write. It is needing to write. My pen is my voice. My pen is my oxygen. And I have been silent for long enough. For a time I was away from God and my creativity was drained little by little from me. I am now drawing nearer to God and I find, slow but sure, those inner stirrings, the myriad of voices, faces, and situations swirling around inside of my head, busting to be born from my head to my pen to my paper.
Where God is, there is creativity. And so, I am going to take some time in between shifts at home and at work to rest, refresh, and create. It has been way overdue.
It is not merely the wanting to write. It is needing to write. My pen is my voice. My pen is my oxygen. And I have been silent for long enough. For a time I was away from God and my creativity was drained little by little from me. I am now drawing nearer to God and I find, slow but sure, those inner stirrings, the myriad of voices, faces, and situations swirling around inside of my head, busting to be born from my head to my pen to my paper.
Where God is, there is creativity. And so, I am going to take some time in between shifts at home and at work to rest, refresh, and create. It has been way overdue.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
My Jericho
It rained hard this morning. Thunder, lightning. The sound of the rain on the store's rooftop was as an army marching in perfect cadence. It made me stop and think even more about a question issued at our Thursday night small group.
We were discussing Jericho and the battle of Jericho, how God commanded Joshua's army to march around the city for six days and on the seventh day, they were to march seven and to blow the shofar--"Shout! For I have given you the city!" We discussed how the walls of the city came tumbling down. And the question was posed--"What is your Jericho? What do you need to take authority over in your life?"
I have considered this question and while I can probably name off at least half a dozen Jerichos, my biggest Jericho is the city of worry. Worry and reasoning.
I have to try to figure everything out and if I can't figure it out, I seek the answers elsewhere. I hate feeling out of control and, for just a fleeting moment, trying to figure and fix things puts me back in control. Or maybe it tricks me into thinking I'm in control. In my heart, I know God is in control and that He will come through. I know that He's not always early but He's never late. I know that He has never let me down, that my needs have always been met. I know all of this in my heart. It's just getting my head to catch up!
Dear Lord, give me the strength and the confidence to place all that I am and all that I have in Your hands and to leave it there. By Your grace, help me to take authority over my Jericho of worry and reasoning, and to boldly declare victory. May I never forget where You brought me out of but may I never take my eyes off of where You are leading me!
We were discussing Jericho and the battle of Jericho, how God commanded Joshua's army to march around the city for six days and on the seventh day, they were to march seven and to blow the shofar--"Shout! For I have given you the city!" We discussed how the walls of the city came tumbling down. And the question was posed--"What is your Jericho? What do you need to take authority over in your life?"
I have considered this question and while I can probably name off at least half a dozen Jerichos, my biggest Jericho is the city of worry. Worry and reasoning.
I have to try to figure everything out and if I can't figure it out, I seek the answers elsewhere. I hate feeling out of control and, for just a fleeting moment, trying to figure and fix things puts me back in control. Or maybe it tricks me into thinking I'm in control. In my heart, I know God is in control and that He will come through. I know that He's not always early but He's never late. I know that He has never let me down, that my needs have always been met. I know all of this in my heart. It's just getting my head to catch up!
Dear Lord, give me the strength and the confidence to place all that I am and all that I have in Your hands and to leave it there. By Your grace, help me to take authority over my Jericho of worry and reasoning, and to boldly declare victory. May I never forget where You brought me out of but may I never take my eyes off of where You are leading me!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Feeling Stronger
April 09, 2012 7:10pm
Today has been a better day for me. I have felt the strongest today than I have since coming home. I actually got up and swept the living room floor. Kenny finished up for me because just sweeping left me winded. It hurts when I try to stand up straight or when I go to stoop over so I guess from here on, it's baby steps. I am not 100% yet, not by a long shot, but it felt good to be up even for a few minutes.
Jordan is 18 today. I just can't get my head around it. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago that I brought him home from the hospital. My baby is no longer a baby and I feel such a pang in my heart.
April 09, 2012 7:10pm
Today has been a better day for me. I have felt the strongest today than I have since coming home. I actually got up and swept the living room floor. Kenny finished up for me because just sweeping left me winded. It hurts when I try to stand up straight or when I go to stoop over so I guess from here on, it's baby steps. I am not 100% yet, not by a long shot, but it felt good to be up even for a few minutes.
Jordan is 18 today. I just can't get my head around it. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago that I brought him home from the hospital. My baby is no longer a baby and I feel such a pang in my heart.
Weariness...
April 06, 2012 6:07pm
It's only seven minutes after six and it feels so much later than it is. I didn't sleep very well last night and about the time I did get to sleep, Ira had left for dialysis. Muddling through still on minimal pain relief. I notice it more when I move which, I suppose, is typical. As much as I don't want to, I get up and move if I do nothing more than plod my way to the bathroom or to the kitchen. To lay still constantly will only make the healing time go slower. I don't want that!
I just feel so weary and worn. I've no doubt that that's a side effect of the surgery. I don't seem to bounce back as quickly as I used to, especially since I've gotten older. I could be placing too much pressure on myself. I've seen me do it. I guess it is because I find myself nearing the fifty side of forty and I feel restless, wanting to know that there was purpose and meaning to my life. I feel my soul stirring, words swirling inside my head and heart. To get these words from my head to my paper? That is the dilemma!
April 06, 2012 6:07pm
It's only seven minutes after six and it feels so much later than it is. I didn't sleep very well last night and about the time I did get to sleep, Ira had left for dialysis. Muddling through still on minimal pain relief. I notice it more when I move which, I suppose, is typical. As much as I don't want to, I get up and move if I do nothing more than plod my way to the bathroom or to the kitchen. To lay still constantly will only make the healing time go slower. I don't want that!
I just feel so weary and worn. I've no doubt that that's a side effect of the surgery. I don't seem to bounce back as quickly as I used to, especially since I've gotten older. I could be placing too much pressure on myself. I've seen me do it. I guess it is because I find myself nearing the fifty side of forty and I feel restless, wanting to know that there was purpose and meaning to my life. I feel my soul stirring, words swirling inside my head and heart. To get these words from my head to my paper? That is the dilemma!
Temporarily Overwhelmed
May 08, 2012 9:41pm
I feel sad...and angry...and weary....and depleted...I don't know what happened but at some point today, a tidal wave of everything all at once hit me and basically knocked me over. Maybe it's every day life sneaking up on me. Maybe there are unseen demons with their talons in my back and skull whispering into my ear. Maybe it's a combination. I think I am going to lay this down for the evening, crawl up onto my Father's lap, give Him my troubles, and fall asleep.
May 08, 2012 9:41pm
I feel sad...and angry...and weary....and depleted...I don't know what happened but at some point today, a tidal wave of everything all at once hit me and basically knocked me over. Maybe it's every day life sneaking up on me. Maybe there are unseen demons with their talons in my back and skull whispering into my ear. Maybe it's a combination. I think I am going to lay this down for the evening, crawl up onto my Father's lap, give Him my troubles, and fall asleep.
Heaviness
May 07, 2012 4:35pm
It has been a long week. Aunt Ethel passed away Wednesday night. April 25th, three days after my parents turned 66. I was able to attend her service, as it was held last Tuesday morning. She had an open casket service. I went up to her before we left for the cemetary. I stroked her hair, her bangs in wispy curls on her forehead. I leaned over and kissed her forehead and whispered, "Thanks for coming for coffee." But I'm getting ahead of myself.
A couple of nights before she died, I had a dream that I was sitting at the kitchen table and Aunt Ethel walked in. Mind you, she had never been to my house. Anyway, she was dressed in her pearls and her Sunday dress, laughing. "Well, I guess it's time to put the coffee on!" she laughed. So I put on a fresh pot of coffee, went to pour her a cup, and she was gone. On the night she died, I had been in bed for all of ten minutes when I felt someone touching my face. That was when Ira came in to tell me she was gone.
At the cemetary, everyone gathered beneath the canopy while Pastor Turner read the Scripture. Mom and I watched her casket being lowered into the earth. I don't know how to explain it. Twenty some years ago I would have walked away. But I watched and I felt a strange sense of peace wash over me.
We no sooner got home from the service and I took Ira into ER. He had been having abdominal pain since Sunday and wasn't keeping anything down and it got progressively worse. They thought that maybe it was bile leakage from him having his gall bladder out. It turns out his blood pressure, which was through the roof, was the cause of his problems. Or so they say. I never know what to think with this hospital anymore. About all I know is, every trip in is a roller coaster ride because I never know for sure what's going to be. I carry more on my shoulders than what is realized. And I know the day will come when the next trip in will be the last trip. Somehow I can't shake the feeling that it's going to come sooner rather than later.
Such a heavy heavy heart....
May 07, 2012 4:35pm
It has been a long week. Aunt Ethel passed away Wednesday night. April 25th, three days after my parents turned 66. I was able to attend her service, as it was held last Tuesday morning. She had an open casket service. I went up to her before we left for the cemetary. I stroked her hair, her bangs in wispy curls on her forehead. I leaned over and kissed her forehead and whispered, "Thanks for coming for coffee." But I'm getting ahead of myself.
A couple of nights before she died, I had a dream that I was sitting at the kitchen table and Aunt Ethel walked in. Mind you, she had never been to my house. Anyway, she was dressed in her pearls and her Sunday dress, laughing. "Well, I guess it's time to put the coffee on!" she laughed. So I put on a fresh pot of coffee, went to pour her a cup, and she was gone. On the night she died, I had been in bed for all of ten minutes when I felt someone touching my face. That was when Ira came in to tell me she was gone.
At the cemetary, everyone gathered beneath the canopy while Pastor Turner read the Scripture. Mom and I watched her casket being lowered into the earth. I don't know how to explain it. Twenty some years ago I would have walked away. But I watched and I felt a strange sense of peace wash over me.
We no sooner got home from the service and I took Ira into ER. He had been having abdominal pain since Sunday and wasn't keeping anything down and it got progressively worse. They thought that maybe it was bile leakage from him having his gall bladder out. It turns out his blood pressure, which was through the roof, was the cause of his problems. Or so they say. I never know what to think with this hospital anymore. About all I know is, every trip in is a roller coaster ride because I never know for sure what's going to be. I carry more on my shoulders than what is realized. And I know the day will come when the next trip in will be the last trip. Somehow I can't shake the feeling that it's going to come sooner rather than later.
Such a heavy heavy heart....
*Sigh*
April 25, 2012 2:20pm
Working tomorrow morning from 7 to 1. Then my hours are being changed for Saturday and Sunday. Instead of working my usual (10-7 on Saturday and 9-6 on Sunday), they need me to work Saturday 7-4 and 8-5 on Sunday. I don't know if it is just for this weekend or if that's what they need me to do from now on. I guess I can find out when I go in tomorrow.
No word yet on Aunt Ethel, although it is pretty obvious her journey here is just about finished. My poor parents are so worn out. I can't help but think of them. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago that they were where I am right now, raising my sister and me. Now we're where they were, raising our families, and they are where the grandparents were then. You never stop to think that some day sooner rather than later it will all change and the ones around you will be nothing more than faces in photographs and memories etched onto the heart. But it happens. Every time I look at my parents I see the shadows of their youth intermingled with the door to eternity. I think about myself as well, as I am also not in my youth anymore and I am no more promised tomorrow than the next person. I trust that my family will be taken care of and that God will be with them. I just don't want them to struggle. I know they will prosper. I know their lives will be fruitful and blessed. I know that everything they set their hands to will succeed. I also know they will have moments of questioning, of reasoning, of trying to understand and make sense out of life. They will not always make the wisest choices or best decisions as they go through life. I just pray that in all things, they will be led by God and that they will seek Him always. And I pray that of anything that I could leave to them, that they will be able to say that I was their example and that in spite of my shortcomings, I did the best I could do.
*Sigh*
April 25, 2012 2:20pm
Working tomorrow morning from 7 to 1. Then my hours are being changed for Saturday and Sunday. Instead of working my usual (10-7 on Saturday and 9-6 on Sunday), they need me to work Saturday 7-4 and 8-5 on Sunday. I don't know if it is just for this weekend or if that's what they need me to do from now on. I guess I can find out when I go in tomorrow.
No word yet on Aunt Ethel, although it is pretty obvious her journey here is just about finished. My poor parents are so worn out. I can't help but think of them. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago that they were where I am right now, raising my sister and me. Now we're where they were, raising our families, and they are where the grandparents were then. You never stop to think that some day sooner rather than later it will all change and the ones around you will be nothing more than faces in photographs and memories etched onto the heart. But it happens. Every time I look at my parents I see the shadows of their youth intermingled with the door to eternity. I think about myself as well, as I am also not in my youth anymore and I am no more promised tomorrow than the next person. I trust that my family will be taken care of and that God will be with them. I just don't want them to struggle. I know they will prosper. I know their lives will be fruitful and blessed. I know that everything they set their hands to will succeed. I also know they will have moments of questioning, of reasoning, of trying to understand and make sense out of life. They will not always make the wisest choices or best decisions as they go through life. I just pray that in all things, they will be led by God and that they will seek Him always. And I pray that of anything that I could leave to them, that they will be able to say that I was their example and that in spite of my shortcomings, I did the best I could do.
*Sigh*
Not Quite A Quiet Sunday
April 22, 2012 11:08pm
Mom and Dad's birthday today. They are 66. And once again, I was not able to spend any time with them. This morning I was up at 5:15 to get to a mandatory store meeting from 6-8. I was able to go to church, though I couldn't stay for the entire service; a little bit was better than none at all. And then back to work at eleven. Usually Sundays are quiet to the point of being boring. Not today.
I made several trips to the back to bring up grills. I helped a customer load a grill onto his truck. I helped a lady with a lawn mower and a hedge trimmer. I covered register plus I worked in returns for half an hour. Suffice it to say, I am very tired!
I found out yesterday that I am being moved back to front end. I found out today that one of the head cashiers knew two weeks ago but wasn't allowed to say anything. I'm not surprised and truthfully, I'm okay with it. Since the powers that be decided that the way things were before wasn't the proper way to be doing things, at least I will be some place where things make sense. From what I can see, my hours are the same. I don't appear to be scheduled throughout the week. Of course, that too may change but in the meantime, I will work according to how I am scheduled. Funny that the head cashier knew two weeks ago that I'd be back up front. Two weeks ago I was recovering from surgery and dreading the possibility of having to deal with going back to OPE/Inside Lawn And Garden. This may be a blessing in disguise.
Random thought before I go to bed--why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd walk around naked!
Yeah, it's time for bed!
April 22, 2012 11:08pm
Mom and Dad's birthday today. They are 66. And once again, I was not able to spend any time with them. This morning I was up at 5:15 to get to a mandatory store meeting from 6-8. I was able to go to church, though I couldn't stay for the entire service; a little bit was better than none at all. And then back to work at eleven. Usually Sundays are quiet to the point of being boring. Not today.
I made several trips to the back to bring up grills. I helped a customer load a grill onto his truck. I helped a lady with a lawn mower and a hedge trimmer. I covered register plus I worked in returns for half an hour. Suffice it to say, I am very tired!
I found out yesterday that I am being moved back to front end. I found out today that one of the head cashiers knew two weeks ago but wasn't allowed to say anything. I'm not surprised and truthfully, I'm okay with it. Since the powers that be decided that the way things were before wasn't the proper way to be doing things, at least I will be some place where things make sense. From what I can see, my hours are the same. I don't appear to be scheduled throughout the week. Of course, that too may change but in the meantime, I will work according to how I am scheduled. Funny that the head cashier knew two weeks ago that I'd be back up front. Two weeks ago I was recovering from surgery and dreading the possibility of having to deal with going back to OPE/Inside Lawn And Garden. This may be a blessing in disguise.
Random thought before I go to bed--why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd walk around naked!
Yeah, it's time for bed!
Forgiveness
April 16, 2012 10:20am
This morning after I got the kids off to school, I turned on Joyce Meyer. She was talking about forgiveness and how it is so necessary in our walk with God. To hold on to bitterness and unforgiveness and anger hinders our prayers and keeps us from moving forward. It keeps us from truly living and enjoying the life that Jesus died for us to have. It also holds us back from being forgiven. We can't even enjoy the gifts that others possess when we remain in bitterness and unforgiveness because we are too focused on what it is we don't have or what we think we don't have.
And so today, I ask if there is any bitterness or unforgiveness in me. If there is, may I see it so that I may confront it, deal with it, and move forward with God. And may I be given the grace to face it and confront it honestly!
April 16, 2012 10:20am
This morning after I got the kids off to school, I turned on Joyce Meyer. She was talking about forgiveness and how it is so necessary in our walk with God. To hold on to bitterness and unforgiveness and anger hinders our prayers and keeps us from moving forward. It keeps us from truly living and enjoying the life that Jesus died for us to have. It also holds us back from being forgiven. We can't even enjoy the gifts that others possess when we remain in bitterness and unforgiveness because we are too focused on what it is we don't have or what we think we don't have.
And so today, I ask if there is any bitterness or unforgiveness in me. If there is, may I see it so that I may confront it, deal with it, and move forward with God. And may I be given the grace to face it and confront it honestly!
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